Guilt
by iinewblood
Summary: Ruby looks back at the guilt she felt when she could be of no help to anyone. At the guilt she felt when everyone else was gone. One-shot, set a few years after the fall of Haven. AU.


Everyday was a struggle to get up and live; live as though they were still here. But even I knew that was not possible, for they were everything to me. And every day I found myself looking back at the memories, at the times I knew I was the happiest. And every day I would cry myself to sleep and repeat the process the next morning. And the worst part about it? I couldn't do anything about it.

I tried to stop the pain- believe me I did – but every time it stopped, even for a moment, it would hit full force the next time I so much as looked in the mirror. I was the reason they were gone, and I was the one that had to live with the guilt. The guilt of knowing that I could have prevented it. I could have stopped her- but I didn't.

I just watched as they were cut down as soon as they stood up and watched as they screamed in agony. And it felt like every day I was burying another one of my friends. Another death that was my fault. Another friend that I looked up to, or a friend that looked up to me. And it hurt like all hell, but what could I do? Attempt to comfort them whilst they died in my arms? I didn't want to live with the guilt of being the last person they saw before they died, so what did I do? I walked away. I walked away and I never looked back; not until they were gone. And that hurt. It pained me to see them in such a way, and it hurt even more to walk away from someone that meant the world to me.

And now here I am, alone. Everyone I loved? Gone. I am the only one left. The only one that must suffer and endure the unbearable pain of losing everyone I held close. The only ones that I could turn to.

Hell, even my sister is gone! The one person I never thought I would have to lose! The one person that haunted me in my dreams! I could remember- in vivid details – exactly how loud she had screamed before she died. How she called out for me to help her. But I just left, and never said a word. I lost the last remaining member of my family, and that hurt worse than anything I had felt before any of this started happening.

The one person I loved more than anything else in this world? She's gone too. She was the last one to die. The last one that suffered because I was too scared to do anything. I watched as she was cut down by the very same person everyone else had fallen to. And I walked away from her, too.

Before I knew it, I was alone. I could see the faces of everyone that had died because of me. And I hated it. The pain of being alone hurt the most. Because I knew I could have done something to prevent that.

But I didn't know what to do, I just knew it needed to stop. Grave after grave after grave. I got tired of burying my friends.

But there was nothing I could do now, except live with it and eventually die with it. I didn't know it would be this hard. I was too naive, too blinded by the bliss. But the real world is much different from the world a child sees. The real world is cold and unforgiving, and it didn't care if you had had enough of it. It would just hit you harder than it had before. Oh, how I wish the world wasn't this way.

But that was all it was; a wish. Even if it came true, I still had lost everything I ever cared about. A dream that would never come true, something that was unachievable. No matter how much I want to redo these past few years, I knew it would never happen. And I suffered knowing that.

But I knew I would never suffer as much as the people who died had. They had probably suffered and died knowing that I did nothing to help them. That I was someone they could count on and had undoubtedly betrayed their trust. If they were still here, they would never look at me the same. They would see me as the same as the _monster_ that had killed them. And I would have believed them, too.

If I live, I know I'll see my self as a monster. As someone that could have done something, anything, to help them. That I could have prevented all of this. Even then I thought it should have been me instead of them. I was the one she was after, and that meant it was all my fault. Everything.

My tears may fall, but blood is thicker than water. The guilt may hurt, but it will never compare to the pain they felt in their final moments, and I knew that. But it still hurt like hell, it will always hurt like hell. And until I arrive in hell myself, this pain will never stop. It probably wouldn't even stop in hell itself.

And while I lay on the stone-cold floor, I can feel my time is running out. I'm laying in my own pool of blood, just as my friend were. Only this time, no one is here to walk away. No one is here to betray me as I had betrayed my friends.

The only pain I feel is my throbbing heart. The guilt is becoming too much, and I know it. I deserve to die right here and now. And I wouldn't even care if someone pierced my heart now to get it over with.

As I'm losing consciousness, there is one more thought that comes to my head. But it's not my own, it's a thought that belongs to someone else._ 'Now you know what it feels like, little Rose'._ But the thought didn't stop there- no the voice kept going.

_'It hurts, doesn't it? To know that there's no one coming to help you. That you're all alone. That you'll die alone.'_ I felt my own hot tears roll down my face and join the pool of blood beneath me. I closed my eyes one last time and let out a sigh of relief. And that's when my heart stopped. There was no pain, no guilt in these final moments. My mind had stopped running, and my body felt numb.

The last thing I said before I could no longer think, could no longer feel anything, was "I'm sorry…".

And just like that, I was dead. I was gone. And I couldn't feel happier.


End file.
